Fish Cheeks

I fell in love with the ministers son the winter I moody fourteen. He was not Chinese, but as white as bloody shame in the manger. For Christmas I prayed for this blond-haired boy, Robert, and a slim new American nose. When I found out that my parents had invited the ministers family over for Christmas Eve dinner, I cried. What would Robert think of our flashy Chinese Christmas? What would he think of our noisy Chinese relatives who lacked proper American manners? What terrible disappoint-ment would he feel upon seeing not a roasted turkey and sweet potatoes but Chinese food?On Christmas Eve I saw that my beat had outdone herself in creating a singular menu. She was pulling black veins out of the backs of fleshy p fondns. The kitchen was littered with appalling mounds of raw food A slimy rock cod with bulging eye that pleaded not to be thrown into a pan of hot oil. Tofu, which looked deal stacked wedges of rubbery white sponges. A bowl soaking dried-out fungus back to life. A pl ate of squid, their backs crisscrossed with knife markings so they resembled rack tires. And then they arrived the ministers family and all my relatives in a clamor of doorbells and rumpled Christmas packages.Robert grunted hello, and I pretended he was not worthy of existence. Dinner threw me deeper into despair. My relatives licked the ends of their chopsticks and reached crossways the table, dipping them into the dozen or so plates of food. Robert and his family waited patiently for platters to be passed to them. My relatives murmured with pleasure when my experience brought out the whole steamed fish. Robert grimaced. Then my initiate poked his chopsticks just infra the fish eye and plucked out the soft meat. Amy, your favorite, he said, whirl me the tender fish cheek.I wanted to disappear. At the end of the meal my father leaned back and belched loudly, thanking my mother for her fine cooking. Its a polite Chinese utilization to show you are satisfied, explained my fath er to our astonished guests. Robert was looking down at his plate with a reddened face. The minister managed to muster up a quiet burp. I was stunned into silence for the rest of the night. After everyone had gone, my mother said to me, You want to be the same as American girls on the outside. She handed me an early gift.It was a miniskirt in beige tweed. however inside you must always be Chinese. You must be high-minded you are different. Your only shame is to have shame. And even though I didnt agree with her then, I knew that she understood how much I had suffered during the evenings dinner. It wasnt until many yr later long after I had gotten over my crush on Robert that I was able to fully appreciate her lesson and the true purpose butt our particular menu. For Christmas Eve that year, she had chosen all my favorite foods.